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Posts Tagged ‘loneliness’

Deeper into Melancholy. Bearing the fragments of my heart. Embalming myself with my own hands. Burying my soul, one inconsequential inch at a time.

I would be like those red autumn leaves… falling silently to the ground. Almost glad to die. I would know how to cease to be.

I would be a ghost that sees everything without participating. Without contributing. I would feel emotions through a veil. Nothing would touch me, except like a light farewell kiss.

So disenchanted that reality would seem like an illusion. I would walk like a phantom through the mist. A body without substance. Without thoughts. Without heartache.

I would gaze and gaze… without being perceived or pitilessly dismissed. I would cry, clamour, sigh, or laugh… like a storm petrel lost in the clouds swirling over the sea.

Cocooned in my own invisibility. Impregnable. Invulnerable.

The blemish on my face, the squalor of my person, or the poverty within my soul… would not be of any import. Because, I would exist high above these fallible human concerns.

Sorrow would be a kind of happiness. Soft and soothing. A self-indulgence. Not angry raging, tears that drip like corrosive acid into the soul. It would be a pool of sadness that is deep, dark, and calm.

And, happiness would be a kind of gentle sorrow. Not filled with desperate hopes and tainted dreams. It would be surrender and acceptance.

I would not possess. I would not know the crippling fear of loss.

I would not be possessed. I would not be abandoned.

How would it be to escape this vale of human dreams and grief? This cup of agony? This utter and complete loneliness? This devastation of the soul?

I would not wish what is good in me to become the instrument of my undoing. I would not want love to turn into despair. Longing into spite. High regard into malice.

So, I would refuse the sweat and blood and crushing repercussions of life.

My melancholy is not defiant or redemptive. It is merely a departure to keep the bright images intact. It is an attempt to protect that which should not be mutilated.

I would sink below the distant horizon… beautiful like the dying sun. Beyond the reproach of human emotions.

I would be an angel again.

Copyright © 2015 [Violet Dolui]. All Rights Reserved.

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Solitude

 

winslow-homer-solitude

 

Solitude by Winslow Homer

 

Just as the river rushes toward the sea, I move forward to commune with the surge of humanity. I hear the call of the collective voice, the united sentiment. I feel the need to be liked by my fellow travelers in life. Living as an island is not really an option for me.

But more than anything, I wish to be understood. Not just by friendly faces. But by those who are very close to me. I feel the essential need to cleave to another being, to that one soul. Why is it so important? This need for understanding?

At times, a terrible loneliness comes over me.  I feel then that no matter how much I try, I shall never be able to truly share my thoughts or express my feelings. I will never find the words to adequately translate my emotions and yearnings into something that another person will grasp. This inability to impart understanding might be due to a flaw in my nature. Or, it might be due to the great divide that keeps us all apart.

When my heartfelt words fall on ears that are obsessed with rectitude and common principles rather than truth or sweetness, I feel let down. When I seek a glance of secret understanding and all I find is a hooded stare, I feel let down. When I want to share laughter and intimacy and I discover a heart wrapped up in itself, I experience the pang of bitter loneliness.

And yet……… yet, there are times when I am caught almost unawares in a pocket of isolation…. when I look around and do not see the countless restless faces or even a beloved one… when my only companion is a thought or a song… and then I discover that I am at peace.

There is peace and a quiet sort of happiness in solitude. There is no one to disabuse me of my pet illusions. No one to interrupt my flights of fantasy.  No one to opine or judge. Just me alone with my innermost thoughts and memories and hopes. I can liberate my imagination and give it wings. I can spurn the familiar terrain and look for adventure. I can dream and romanticize endlessly…

An absence, a deprivation can transform itself into the finest gift. I thought I could not do without a barrage of words and comments. But silence suits me quite well, I see. I thought I needed appreciation and camaraderie. But I realize that when I am alone, I can turn to myself for company. Solitude is indeed a boon in disguise.

I like friendly smiles. I need affection and fellowship and amiable arms around me. I also hope that I know how to truly welcome those moments when I have only myself to support me… elevate me.

Copyright © 2012 [Violet Dolui]. All Rights Reserved.

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